Lego -- The Best Watch You'll Ever Own

By Mark "The Red" Harlan
Images by Josh Carter
And starring Mystey Helm
as the ultra-babe
May 2, 1999

If you're looking for an inexpensive -- yet distinctive -- time piece that you can also beat the holy crap out of, go no further than the "Lego Watch System." Forget about Rolexes that cost as much as a house, or those cheesy Swatches built so cheap they feel like they'll fall apart in a day ... If you want a real man's watch (or even a real woman's watch), think like a kid and get a Lego.

All Lego watches are water resistant to 100 feet, and the "System" part means you have the choice of using the super cool pull-it-apart-and-you-choose-the-color-order linking bands or their cheese-ball vinyl straps. [1] These watches seem to be almost indestructible: I wore one everyday during my bicycle ride across America last summer, with the only noticeable side-effect being that the watch started looking newer from all the wear-polishing as time went by. For $39.95 they are nothing less than a super-bargain.

The original Lego watch (my favorite) was first released in 1996 with the classically distinctive blue, yellow, green and red links. The hands are designed to look like tiny Lego bricks stacked on top of each other and the face glows in the dark (although only for the briefest of times). Of all Lego watches, this is the one that screams its heritage and people recognize it instantly -- even though most people have never seen one before. This watch also comes with a gimpy yellow strap that's about big enough for a five year old and a removable international time ring that makes the watch look bulky and stupid.

In 1997 Lego came out with two more watches, both referred to as "UFO" style. These have sweep second hands, with one model sporting a top-down Lego brick view on the face and the other having a goofy line drawing of a robot. The band links come in black and fluorescent colors, and both come with black and green wrist straps that can be used for some other unintended purpose. I wear the UFO watch with nearly all black band links and think of it as formal wear.

In 1998, the winds seemed to have changed and pushed way too much fallout from Chernobyl on Denmark, resulting in the chick-biased "Starlet" watch. The traditional round face has design been abandoned for a long oval and the band links come in turquoise, pink and a disturbingly pukey green. As if this wasn't enough to keep you up at night, they've added the option of turquoise and peach wrist bands, a face decoration that is almost impossible to comprehend, and an undoubtedly radioactive glow-in-the-dark face. I like this watch if for no other reason than it being a severe mutant in the Lego world, but it seems as though you have to be directly descended from Vikings to truly appreciate it.

The good news is all band links are interchangeable in the Lego Watch System, so the more watches you own, the more band links you have to mix and match. The bad news is Lego didn't figure out a way to integrate Lego watches and Lego bricks -- that would have been very cool.

Owning a Lego watch has an added benefit of being a serious babe magnet. Put one on your wrist and you'll get more attention than running a "85 year old millionaire with severe heart problem seeks spouse for upcoming marathon" ad. Don't believe me? 13 out of 13 ice cream clerks, in three different states, have commented on my watch. Think of the possibilities here.

I'm sad to report, however, that the reverse is not true. Strenuous field testing by the Geek Radio Psychology Labs have not shown men to be any more (nor less) attracted to a woman wearing the Lego Watch System than they are to the same woman wearing a piece of rotting weasel flesh on their arm (which, really, says more about men than it does about Lego watches).

In fact, our testing has shown the Lego watch to be a babe magnet even when being worn by a woman, so this may well be the ultimate lesbian watch; or possibly a good gift for any guy to give a woman who simply "wants to be friends."

For several years the Lego watch was the discerning shopper's holy grail and the only way to get one was from duty-free pushcarts on international airplane flights. Today, however, you also buy them from any of the three Legolands. I've tried desperately to come up with either an Internet, or telephone, way to purchase these little gems, but haven't been able to do any better than the Danish Lego Watch System Propaganda Page. Maybe someone with a lack of Lego watches and an excess of buying fortitude will devise a way to purchase one remotely.

Have at it.

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